Sure, Jan!
Sure, Jan!
The Accidental Cool Girl's Guide to Emotional Availability
Have you ever pretended not to care when you actually did? Welcome to the puzzling world of "too cool culture" in modern dating, where emotional detachment is somehow considered a strength and vulnerability a weakness.
From personally playing the "cool girl" with an army sergeant who invalidated my feelings to dating a man in an open marriage who expected exclusivity from me (the irony!), I've learned firsthand that hiding your authentic self only leads to pain. This episode dives into why we're all so afraid to show we care, and how the fear of rejection drives us to create connections built on performance rather than truth.
Social media and trends like "hot girl summer" have conditioned us to believe that catching feelings is something to avoid, but what if vulnerability is actually the uncut gem we're all searching for? I'm challenging the notion that being emotionally unavailable is attractive, and making the case that authentic connection requires courage - the courage to send that text when you want to (not when it's "strategic"), to express genuine interest, and to have honest conversations about expectations.
Whether you're trying to figure out why your date hasn't texted back for three days or you're wondering if you should tell someone how you really feel, this episode is a reminder that in a world where everyone's afraid to care too much, those brave enough to be emotionally available are the ones building relationships with meaning. Ready to stop pretending and start connecting? Listen in, and let's get real about dating.
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Welcome to Sure Jan Podcast. I'm your host, janice M. We'll be talking about dating, sex relationships and a little bit of self-help, all while breaking down pop culture moments that hit a little too close to home. Because, let's be real, dating in your 30s it's a whole thing. So grab a drink, get comfy and let's get into it. You're listening to share jan podcast. Hello everyone and welcome to share jan podcast. I'm your host, janice M, and I hope everyone out there is having an amazing day, amazing week, and if you aren't, I am sending you positive, positive vibes.
Speaker 1:This episode we're gonna kind of get into some emotional availability and like that too cool culture. That's been kind of been a thing in dating. I've been slowly kind of getting to know what the hell that is. We're going to kind of get into that and kind of see if anybody else out there is having kind of similar situations, seeing if you are actually going through the same thing or if you are doing it and how problematic it is to be that too cool girl or whatever the hell that saying goes, because I feel like I've tried to be that too cool girl with guys that I've been seeing and it has not panned out well for me, but me. But we're going to get into that. I did just pour myself a nice glass Malbec. I'm drinking that right now. I hope everyone either has a drink, whether you're listening to me in the morning, the afternoon, or if you are listening to me at night and can actually have a beverage, or you're listening to me on a weekend, whenever if you can have any type of beverage, preferably alcohol. But if you have to be an adult and you're listening to me during the week and during the day and you're at work, drink your coffee, yes, drink that coffee, yeah. So now I'm all back, ready. I have a joint somewhat lit up, so if you do hear me, take a couple pauses, just say you know we're cool and we're chilling. We're going to have a good episode today. We're going to get into a lot of shit.
Speaker 1:I have some updates for you guys going on with me and yeah, so let's get into the episode, okay. So like I kind of wanted to talk about my update first, I feel like if I get into what we're going to talk about in the episode, my story may get lost. I may go on a tangent about what we're talking about and then I just won't remember to kind of give you guys a little bit of an update. I don't know if I gave this man a nickname, but this is a recycled man, has resurfaced. I literally I'm recording on Sunday, the 7th of September, me and this man met yesterday, the 6th. I'm in head sex and yeah, so I'm gonna kind of get into what's been going on with me and pertaining that. So it's been a minute like prior.
Speaker 1:So tippy toes was the last person that, like I had sex with right, which it's so unfortunate that that was like my last fucking sexual experience. So this guy, I feel like every time I talk to him I always forget, or maybe it slips my mind up until, like, we're about to hang out and this is like the third time time him and I have hung out, and so I feel like the first two times I don't remember. I feel like the first time was fine. Second time, I feel like I did not enjoy myself when we had sex and I forgot how bad I did not enjoy myself the last time we had sex. But this third time I like remembered how bad the last time was. But this third time I like remembered how bad the last time was, like right, when I was like I don't know like two minutes driving from it to his place, and I was just like fuck, I'm, I've already committed, I'm here, whatever.
Speaker 1:So anyways, he like he doesn't live too far away, like it literally was like a, a 15 minute drive, which was clutch, and where he lives the parking is like awful, like it's really hard, and it was a Saturday too. So you know, it was just the parking was freaking awful. So he like had offered to. He was like listen, like there's a lot down the street, if you want to, you can. He was like listen, like there's a lot down the street, if you want to, you can, you can park there, I'll pay for your parking. And so I was like okay, but like in the back of my mind, I really didn't want. Like I should have been like yes, sis, let him pay for that shit. Like fuck. But I was kind of like you know, maybe I'll like do half or something like that. Like maybe I'll like offer or whatever. So, anyways, I park, grab the ticket for for my parking. I go to his place. Now, mind you, he tells me where he lives and he lives in a newer. He lives in the same, like complex, but like a different area. So I end up going there and I see him and like, all right, so I'm gonna kind of pause, rewind. So we were like messaging prior, so kind of.
Speaker 1:What came about. This was he was at a wedding the day before and we were like texting or something. And I think I was like on snap because sometimes I'd be just be snapping, because I love the filters on Snapchat and I like to send sometimes my thirst drops on there, but don't mind me anyways. So I was on snap and I have him on snap as well. So he ends up like messaging me something on snap and like we're kind of like doing a like exchange on snap and he's like talking about you know him wanting to see me and like he wish he like didn't get this hotel, he wish he was at his place, so that, like I could have like came over, yada, yada, yada.
Speaker 1:Now fast forward to Saturday, which we had this conversation on Friday. We're here on Saturday. Now I had day plans with my friend. It kind of like they didn't work out. They didn't pan out. So I, you know, was kind of bummed because I had like a really cute outfit for this day event. It was like kind of like a fitness, whatever day event. And I was pretty bummed out that I was not. I was not going to be able to go to the shit.
Speaker 1:And so like I was talking to him and I was like talking to him and like he was just kind of like, oh, so like what are you doing for the rest of the day? And I was kind of like, oh well, I don't really have plans. I kind of was just going to chill and, like you know, not do anything, probably like smoke, watch TV, like just veg out or something like that. And he was just like, oh, like do you want to come over? And I was like, sure, like I have nothing else better to do, sure, like I have nothing else better to do. And so, mind you, completely forgot this man. Like last time me and him had sex it was not great, and I like swore that time that I would not come back, but I forgot. I feel like I smoke too much weed that I just forget these things. But anyways, I forgot.
Speaker 1:And anyways he was talking a big game, y'all like how he's gonna go down on me, like how he's gonna dick me down, gonna break my back. Like I'm not even bullshitting. The breaking my back part was like I like started replaying it in my mind. I'm like all right, like calm down, because I was like even even at time when I agreed to like go over his place I didn't fully remember if it was that bad, but like I knew it wasn't like like amazing, but it was a sensible dick. I wanted it. I hadn't had sex in a long time. I was like whatever.
Speaker 1:You know desperate times call for like desperate measures. You know desperate times, just things happen like that. You know desperate times call for like desperate measures. You know desperate times, just things happen like that. You know, sometimes you just need to. You know, sometimes you just need to like get digged down some from time to time. You know, and just like you gotta just put the whole other bullshit of like you know in your head and you're just like, yeah, I'm just going to get dick and then move on with my life.
Speaker 1:But like anyways, he was talking this big game. So I was kind of excited because like this man was talking about how, like how much he would just really wants to go down on me, right, and I'm just like, oh, I'm never going to say no to this, like hello, anyways. So he ends up, I end up going over there. We get to his place. Mind y'all, this motherfucker lives on like the fifth floor no elevator, pure stairs. And I am trying to keep it together, fucking huffing and puffing. I'm really trying to like take deep breaths as I'm like walking up these stairs, like I'm not like like misfitness guru, so like these stairs were fucking killing me, dude, I don't like I don't be climbing up that mountain, like a lot of stairs, like that. So I was like wow, there's a lot of stairs. And he's like, yeah, sorry about that. And I was just like Jesus Christ. And of course, he lives on the top fucking floor. So I'm like this is so much. Anyways, get to his place.
Speaker 1:Now I'm going to pause, rewind to our conversation Cause I need to like give you guys context of our conversation so you guys like understand. So I'm going to go back to our like text conversations where he was saying the last time that him and I hung out, I was quote unquote shy Y'all. I wasn't. I don't know what he like thinks is, like behavior is shy, I don't know. But I was not shy. I was kind of like letting him take control because I kind of like I was trying to be submissive in that time frame. So, anyways, he was saying that through when we were texting the night before or like the day of, or whatever I don't. I'm kind of like blurry on if it was that night or was the day of, and so, anyways, I text him and we're talking about like us hanging out and obviously, like, hang out, we're going to hook up, like I already know that, like we're adults, we talked that that's what we're going to do, and he's like saying how, oh, I was so shy last time, all this shit, blah, blah, blah. I'm like all right, so then take control, do what you have to do. Like, if you feel like I'm I'm not picking up on what you're trying to, like, I'm not picking up what you're trying to throw down, like, then take control of the situation. So this is what we talked about, right, all right, fast forward.
Speaker 1:Now we're, we're in this moment. I'm sitting on his couch and I think this is the most aggressive thing that he said to me throughout the entire night, and I think it was sit over here. Okay. Now y'all heard me sit over here, sit like next to me. That was like the most like assertive thing that he said to me throughout this night and I'm like, okay, then I'm laying there and I'm like, all right, is this? Who's going to like?
Speaker 1:He's like trying to watch. He's like trying to watch like a movie or whatever, trying to put something on in the background as we're watching it. First he puts like. First he puts like wedding crashers, and then I was like this is not really like something that's going to really get me in the mood. No offense, like no. Then like he decides to put on Remember the Titans. Okay, now I was like this is a weird choice to set the mood, mind you y'all. Oh my god. Okay, y'all know I'm a black woman. If you don't know, you did not see the art cover of my podcast, which is my face and I'm and you didn't know I'm black, but I guess I'm black.
Speaker 1:This man is a white Italian man, okay, and he decided to play Remember the Titans while we're trying to set the mood. Now, mind you, I can hear this shit in the fucking background. I've seen this movie a million times. Not the like. Best appropriate movie to like. Get set the mood for us to like have sex or like make out or whatever.
Speaker 1:And then they were just it was like a part where, like, like the white people were just like saying some crazy-ass shit, like calling people monkeys and shit, and I was like what is happening? And I just like I almost was gonna like I almost paused and it was just kind of like yo, can we like change the channel or something. Like this is a lot in my ear, like this is not turning me on at all, like this is doing the polar fucking opposite, like this, ain't it? This is not it for me. So, like, thankfully, like maybe a minute or two later, he was just like do you want to go upstairs? And I was like yeah, and then he has like these, like this, like spiral staircase, like that kind of goes with the carpet, I don't know, like the steel handles and like the carpet kind of steps leading up and it's like it's like a really small space but it's like a circle spiral going up.
Speaker 1:Anyways, he had one of those and I was like all right, so we went up, we went upstairs, I left like all my shit downstairs and I went up and like we, you know, now we're hooking, we get on the bed, we're hooking up and so, like I don't know, I just kind of felt like he wasn't as aggressive as I would have liked him to be and it just wasn't like and like, all right, aggressive as I would have liked him to be and it just wasn't like and like all right. Okay, I don't know how to say this without being like mean or coming off mean, and I'm really not trying to say this as me this is just me, like my own personal preference. Okay, this man didn't have enough dick for me, like it just wasn't, like it had. Like like missionary really wasn't doing it for me, me, even me being on top, I, I, I tried, I really fucking tried.
Speaker 1:Doggy was the only thing that gave me like something. It gave me a, an inkling of something and you remember I told you guys that he was talking about like he was gonna go down on me and shit, this mom, this motherfucker, made me like, remember, like like kitty milk guy, like he's like giving him a run for his fucking money. Like they're right fucking up there with how they eat, how they eat girls out, like they're fucking right up there. Legit, yeah, not great. Three out of ten would not recommend. So, uh, yeah, definitely not.
Speaker 1:I need to think of a nickname for him. I just don't know what it is. Yeah, I don't know what I should name him. I gotta think about it. He kind of reminds me of Snoopy a little bit, but like his eyes are just a little bit more together, but like he kind of reminds me of Snoopy in a weird way, like he's kind of adorable but like yeah, that's it. Like he doesn't, like I don't think he's like a really attractive dude, I just think he's like adorable and yeah, so we he was just kind of like y'all when I tell you, this man talked a big fucking game to me, huge, huge game, saying how he's gonna like dig me down, break my back, like we're gonna go around, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah after the first time that we had sex.
Speaker 1:He's like laying there and I'm just like looking at him and I'm like okay, like kind of waiting for the second, like I was like okay, like kind of waiting for the second, like I was like all right, do we need to rest for a little bit? And then we're gonna get back to it like what do we need to do? And he was like kind of just, he was like shit, I shouldn't have talked this big game. And I was like, wow, this isn't. I'm embarrassed for you. This is embarrassing, I'm embarrassed for myself. But, like y'all, I was like I am not leaving here without something. I ain't leaving here without something.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we were like hooking up and he like I shouldn't say we hooked up, pause, rewind. I like got lost in my dream of thought. He was texting and was like telling like he was like saying like, oh, his friends really want him to go to this like restaurant, slash bar, whatever in a town like nearby. And he was like, oh, I really don't want to go and stuff like that, because the kids. He was asking me like what I had to do for the rest of the day and I was like, oh, I don't really have any plans like I kind of was like expecting to kind of hang out with him for like a good amount of the day and then kind of leave, like later on in the day, like towards nighttime. That's what I thought. That's kind of how I thought this was gonna happen, like the way he made it seem like in our conversation. Maybe I misinterpreted that conversation, I don't fucking know. But anyways, I was like I'm leaving, I'm not leaving here without like not getting a second one.
Speaker 1:So I did my little magic. He was, was ready to go again and we like were trying to have sex and like I don't know, I felt like I was like being super dominant in the whole car. Like I initiated this. I initiated it Like I like did a lot of the work and I was like damn dude, I can never come back here. Like for someone that was like trying to make me seem like I was like damn dude, I can never come back here. Like for someone that was like trying to make me seem like I was like some, like I don't know crude little bitch, or like I was like oh no, like so timid and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:I'm like I had to initiate everything and it just was like and I thought honestly, I thought when you have sex, like if you nut the first time, like it's gonna take you a longer time to nut the second time. I didn't know like. I thought that was like a thing and it was like Mythbusters. Like, no, like that is not true. Like this motherfucker like came quicker than he came the first time and I was like what the fuck? I'm like that's not a thing, like I thought that was, I thought that was a thing. Yeah, so we will not be seeing this man again.
Speaker 1:I can't do it. I literally like I can't, I can't and I was just and I was just like I can't. I know I just I can't do it with this man. He's just like. He's a lot. I just keep forgetting, like, but this, the dick is just not worth it for me it's not. And yeah, a lot of regrets were made and I'm glad I got. I got to dip my toe back into like having sex again, which was great, but it was just like I wish it was with somebody that had a little bit more dick. He just doesn't have enough Like maybe just for me, for like what, like my vag, like is like looking for it's just not it.
Speaker 1:It wasn't a perfect fit. You know what I mean. It's like the three little bears, like I just didn't find that. I didn't find the right one for me. I did not find the right one for me and he is not it. So, like it was like baby bear, but yeah, you know what I mean. Like oh, but yeah, but that's, that's what happened.
Speaker 1:Like I said, I'm filming some. I mean I'm recording Sunday. This happened yesterday, saturday. So yeah, and y'all remember, when I said, like he said he was going to pay for parking yeah, I definitely made him pay for parking For sure. I didn't even offer, didn't even offer to pay for half I was like, nah, fuck that shit, you wasted my motherfucking time. You're paying fully for this parking. I should have been asked you to give me some fucking money for gas, because it's a waste of my fucking gas too. But I digress, I digress, y'all. I die, motherfucking grass. But yeah, that's what, that's what happened to me this weekend. We're gonna, we're gonna just like, keep having ourselves out there, keep like fucking stuttering, we're going to keep pushing forward.
Speaker 1:And yeah, I don't think you guys will ever hear me talk about this man again no-transcript while, like it was like a picture of him like holding his dick, like while he was in bed, but the comforter was like the Lion King, you remember, like the 90s, like Lion King comforters, it was that. And then then, right, you would think, janice, why, why would you even let him touch you with that thing after you took a picture like that, like why would you? Why you know, sometimes when you're ovulating and just your mind just has and your vagina just takes over your mind, it just just takes over when you're ovulating. That's all I can say. That's the only thing I can like try and defend myself is I was ovulating. That's all I can say. That's the only thing I can like try and defend myself is I was ovulating. But yeah, that was my little sexcapade story of the weekend. Okay, so enough with my sad sexual escapade that just happened yesterday I wanted to talk about. Sorry, just look at this too cool.
Speaker 1:I feel like a lot of the younger, like the younger generation, like Gen Z, like later bloomed millennials, kind of on a cusp of Gen Z-ish, are taking this method, method of like being too cool after a date, like kind of delaying communication like you know normally. Expectation of like after you go on a date with somebody, like you want to hear with them, hear from them within like the I don't know, I guess the first, like 24 hours, Like even less than that, just to know that like they had a good time. Maybe you want to reschedule another day just to kind of get a feel of it. But like to cool cultures, like, even if you feel this way, you don't want to seem too desperate or too available, so like what they do is they'll like take days to like text you back and all that stuff. I guess it kind of flows into like millennials too, because I feel like that three-day rule type of shit. It kind of gives me like, oh, I don't want to seem like I really really like, I really really like like you so much, like I don't want to come off like super desperate or like pathetic or you know he just thinks that like damn, I just like I can't get anybody or something like that. But I don't know, I think I feel like that method is such especially the person that's receiving it is so confusing, like I don't know if you're into me, like me thinking that you were into me and then I don't hear from you for like days kind of like makes me think like damn, maybe he's not into me because they're being too cool, or like you don't hear, you don't like hit them up or you know, like anything along those lines.
Speaker 1:I just feel like now nowadays, like especially in this like world of dating, being up front and being honest about shit and just being mostly available will get you a long, motherfucking way. I feel like if you're into somebody and you want to text them, like if I went on a date with you and you want to text me like maybe an hour, two hours later, to be like, hey, like I had such a great time, I would definitely like to like link up again, like can we like make plans within the next couple days, like open communication, like why do we have to like wait for? Like what reason is it like so we don't seem too available? I just feel like why not? Why can't we seem like we're? I am available, I want to fucking talk to you. That's the point of me going on this date with you is I am available, like I'm available for you. So that's why I made myself open to this fucking date.
Speaker 1:So, like trying to be cool, like a cool guy or a cool girl, to be like yeah, like, or like thinking that things don't matter. You know, I would like to know. I would say, within, we don't have to define what our relationship is like I don't, I don't need you to call me your girlfriend or I don't need you, I don't need to call you my boyfriend, but like I would say, probably within the first like month or so. I need to know if me and you are exclusively like, just dating each other, like, be upfront about that shit. Sometimes people are just like, oh, like I don't want to see come off, like I don't want to lose them. If I say, like what I truly want out of this, I just feel like you're setting yourself up for a fucking disaster.
Speaker 1:Not being honest about your intentions on what you want in the future or what you want with that person, is going to set your ass up, trying to be a cool guy or a cool girl, to be like, oh, I'm just going to go with the flow, I'm just going to like, even though I feel these things for this person, I'm just not going to express it, because what if they don't feel this way? What if you know they feel the opposite of what I feel? Like I just don't want to lose this person. So I just don't want to lose this person. So I just don't want to come off. That you know I'm. This is exactly what I want.
Speaker 1:Like, I want a relationship with them, I want to be exclusive with them, I want these things, but it's like that whole like too cool mentality that everybody like thinks is like this shit. Now I don't even know like why that's a thing, why you know it's just it's hurtful for the like recipient. I feel like it's so hurtful and it's so confusing for the recipient, like the person that's receiving it. On that end, you know like it creates mixed signals like and it like. And then that like I feel like once I haven't heard from you in a couple days. I feel like you're, I feel like I'm being ghosted. And then you're thinking like, oh, I don't want to text her right away. But then I'm thinking, wow, he's like ghosting me. I haven't heard from him in like a day or two. Like that's kind of crazy. You know, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I just I feel like if you're into somebody, you had a great time with them, you're in like you want to see them again, like make that effort Instead of like waiting around thinking that I'm gonna be too desperate, I'm gonna be too, but I'm gonna come off pathetic or desperate or whatever. Like if that person thinks that of you by you texting them that then that person's not for you. Clearly you guys are not on the same page. Clearly you guys are not wanting the same thing. So like it's kind of like trash taking on itself you know what I mean like it's kind of like the problem is taking itself out. So it's just I don't know. I feel like people dating I wouldn't say yeah, dating like. And people like everybody's mindset has like totally shifted from, I feel, like post I mean I would say pre-COVID how dating was for me, especially then post-COVID. I feel like everybody like post-COVID, everybody doesn't know how to like communicate properly. Like the communication is like freaking awful with people. The communication is like freaking awful with people. Just even the styling, everybody's just not.
Speaker 1:It's really hard to find somebody that's emotionally available, that wants to be in a relationship. Or like I feel like I run into those situations where, like I just got out of a relationship and it's like, okay, you're on a dating app, though Like so what are you trying to do? Are you just trying to trying to hook up? Like maybe you should just say that in your profile like you're just looking to hook up. Maybe don't put that like, because I feel like that's such a cop-out. Like I just got out of a relationship, I just feel like maybe you shouldn't be on a fucking dating app, then, I don't know, maybe you shouldn't like like submit yourself into that fucking world and get somebody's hopes up of thinking that they could like potentially date you and you're not even emotionally available for them. Like, and it's such a letdown.
Speaker 1:I feel like there's been so many guys that like have asked me, like what am I looking for on on the websites, the dating apps like Bumble, hinge, tinder, all that shit like, will ask me like what I'm looking for and I'll say it to them and I'll like be like you know, I potentially want to date somebody in this kind of see where that goes. And their response is like yeah, like I don't know, I'm just like trying to hang out. I just got out of like of a blah, blah, blah year long relationship and I don't know if I want to get back into something. And it's like, and I'm sitting there and I'm like, so why are you on a dating site? Granted, whatever, if you want to be on that, to each their own, but make your intentions of why you're on that fucking website like very clear.
Speaker 1:Number one, number two did you not read my profile? Like did you not see what the fuck I'm looking for? And you, you still swipe right on me. Like, huh, make that make fucking sense for me. Like, make that make sense, make zero fucking sense. I just don't understand the. You know, like people don't really read a lot of people's profiles. I take my time and I will like read what you have to say. I'm not really swiping right on a lot of profiles that literally have no substance to them. Like, why are you, I don't know? I feel like put some fucking effort in your dating profile instead of just posting pictures of yourself and that's it and your height or something Like give me some substance to you. Like, let me know that. Like, maybe you're a funny person, like what you're fucking into. Maybe we can, I can see like what we're actually like if we have the same interests. Like that's kind of nice for me to know. Make me want to like swipe right on you. Like, come on, give me something, give me something to work with. Dude, you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I also like social media is like really to blame. I feel like it's so conditioning. Like, especially like dating apps TikTok, instagram. I feel like they promote like don't catch feeling. Like, don't catch these feelings. Like the meme culture, like the hot girl summer. You know what I mean. Like the hot girl summer. You know what I mean. Like the hot boy summer I don't even know if that's a freaking thing, but like whatever that equivalent of what a hot girl summer is and like kind of that. Like that culture right there. I, I am all about having a hot girl culture. I'm hot girl summer. I'm not like discouraging people to not have that, but I'm just saying like that's like's, like promoting, like yeah, like fuck around, do whatever you want to do.
Speaker 1:Like who gives a fuck, like just don't catch feelings, kind of have fun, just don't catch feelings, type of thing. Like that's the vibe of a hot girl summer have fun, don't catch feelings, and you know it. Just we're so conditioned to, you know, look at, look at these trends and see like and they're like you know these trends that go viral, these dating trends that go viral, and you're just like, oh shit, that looks so appealing to me, that looks so like you know it's, it's so appetizing, like wow, that's something like maybe I should adapt and like like maybe I should adapt and like push forward. You know, a lot of times people can like do this kind of shit because it's like the fear of rejection. Like trying to be a cool guy, cool girl, with like acting like you know how you feel, like how you personally feel about something, even if if you it's hurting you bad like act like it doesn't bother you because you don't.
Speaker 1:You're in the fear of losing that person. Like the fear of them not thinking you're the person. You know what I mean. Like you put a facade of who you are and you know you keep it up because you're so like fearful that this person is not going to accept you if they like understand like who you truly are. That's why, like it will never get you anywhere.
Speaker 1:If, like, if you like somebody and you're trying to mold yourself into like the person that you think that they want you to be, it's's just like if you can't be authentically yourself, it just it's never going to work out. Like if you can not be yourself authentically and just like love out loud how you want to love out loud, or you know, express how you want to express your feelings without being fearful that they're not going to like you anymore, or they're going going to like you anymore, or they're going to look at you differently because you have a difference of an opinion of theirs or behaviors or anything like like pertaining to them. You know what I mean. Like I don't know. I just I think it's so scary that this like dating trend is just so popular, like this too cool culture like, why is it so freaking popular? Like, why is this? Why are people so like? You know I get the fear of rejection thing, like I really do and I can, I can understand how like you kind of wonder, like why, but then you can also like, in the same breath, be like I can also see a little bit how you can get trapped up into that mix of liking somebody so much.
Speaker 1:You know, like I've been in, I've been dating guys that I dated this guy that was like in the army and he was so like I feel like I, he scarred me, I feel like I have PTSD from him of like trying to date anybody that's in the fucking army or like whatever sorry to anybody that tries to talk to me that's in the army. This man has ruined it for everybody and he was so conditioned to be this person like he was like. I used to call him like like army I would say army daddy, because he wanted me to call him daddy at one point anyways. So army daddy would just like, literally he would be in his like, like he was a sergeant or whatever. He would just be in this like mode, like he would just be super emotionless and so like when I would express how I would feel, he would just make me feel like I would.
Speaker 1:I was like my feelings weren't valid and or I was. You know I was overthinking things and you know I don't know. He just was so he was. So it was like kind of talking to a robot. Sometimes it was just so like I was like damn, this is so tough a robot. Sometimes it was just so like I was like damn, this is so tough, and so like I had to be like the cool girl and kind of a lot of stuff that he did. I kind of had to let I let it roll off my back because I liked him so much and I cared about him so much and I didn't want like I didn't want like what we had to go away. So I just stuck it out with army daddy and just kind of thought that. I thought that was the best way to keep him.
Speaker 1:I guess, in that sense, just because of the feelings that I had from him were so strong at that time that I was looking, overlooking how hurtful the shit that he did and how hurtful he was, especially with you know my feelings and how I felt with how he would do certain things, and I'm just like you're not a count, like you can't say in one breath how much like how important I am in your life and how important you know like what you see for us in the future, and then make decisions that you know like are not including. You know what I mean. Just like things like that, just a lot of stuff. He also fed me a lot of shit. He like breadcrumbed me. You know he did a lot of stuff, a lot, a lot of things. If you have no idea what breadcrumbing is, I do have an episode pertaining it. You can get a little quick listen of it and hear it. Yeah, check that out if you want to know what that is. But this man definitely army daddy, definitely fucking breadcrumbed the shit out of me and love bombed me and all of those things. Hence why I have so much fucking PTSD from this man.
Speaker 1:And yeah, I don't know, I feel like I saw him randomly on like LinkedIn and I accidentally clicked on him. You know, like when you click on somebody on LinkedIn sorry, I have like paper a paper and it picked up on the sound, I'm not sure if it did but when you click on a person on like LinkedIn and you go on their profile, it shows you that you viewed their profile. Like it shows you that, and I was like fuck and I looked at his profile. And then his wife looked at my profile and I was like, oh my God, so yeah, anyways, that's a little tidbit that happened. This was not a recent thing. This was like a long, long, long time ago. Like I said, that man gave me PTSD.
Speaker 1:I had a lot of feelings for that man thought I was in love with him. I don't know, it was a lot, but yeah, I had that. That too cool girl. Oh my God, wow, I'm. The more and more I think about it, I'm like, wow, I've had a couple like like two cool girl moments in my like more than ones, like army daddy was one.
Speaker 1:And then there was this guy that I was like seeing that he was in an open marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I said he was in an open marriage. And I know you're saying, janice, what the fuck? I know I was in my early 20s. At that time I didn't really give a fuck. And he told me that like his wife was like open to it and then like the more and more he'd like dove into his relationship with her, it kind of seemed like it was more of like benefit. It was more of a beneficial marriage because like he got benefits from like his job and like she benefited I don't. Anyways, I think it was bullshit. Looking back on it, maybe I've been bullshit, I don't know. But like they had an open relationship and so like I was like kind of be his little like girlfriend-ish thing and like she was doing her own thing and like it was supposed to be, like I was supposed to be their third.
Speaker 1:I never met this woman. I think I saw one picture of her once but like I was like hooking up with him, like me and him had like a relationship whatever, and we're gonna call him Fling Bay because I used to be on this website called Fling. I don't know if it still exists, but it used to be like this hooking up site and like in my 20s I was very explorative, like I, you know I told you guys I've hooked up with women, like I was. You know, I was trying to explore and see what I was into sexually. So I was on this website and I hooked up with a lot of people off of this website. By the way, I don't think I could ever go back. I don't think I could ever do this again.
Speaker 1:But, like at the time I was like whatever dude up, yolo when if that was like a thing at the time, it wasn't a thing at the time, but I was like YOLO, I feel like it was. I don't even know when YOLO came out, but anyways, that's besides the point. I'm sidetracking. But I, I was like involved with this man and it did not end well like we I was we, he wanted to go to like swinger partiesinger parties and I almost like I wish I like did it once, just to experience it, because I like I would not do it right now, but like at the time, I like wanted to experience it and like see what it was like. And I was like his girlfriend, that was like going to do that with him and stuff. I was like gonna do that with him and stuff. Anyways, we did not last a long time because I didn't like that. I was his, like I was his girlfriend and like I had to be committed to him.
Speaker 1:But he was like in a whole ass relationship and I was like bruh, I like you're not my boyfriend, you're not like, you're just this guy that like I'm having sex with and I'm just like you're not my boyfriend, you're not like, you're just this guy that like I'm having sex with and I'm just like going potentially to these fucking swinger parties. That's it, Nothing other than that. And you're pushing my. You're pushing it right now. Like I need you to like take it back a couple notches. And we fought over that shit. Like he was, I had this guy friend and he was extremely jealous of this guy friend and, like you know, we would get in fights over this guy friend. And I was just like bro, like you're married and you have no right to say shit to me right now. But, yeah, it was like too much. It was like too much Because then you start like I don't know that whole situation.
Speaker 1:I feel like if you're open, like super open, to being with somebody that's in an open relationship and understanding, like the whole baggage that comes with that be my guest and be a part of somebody that's in an open relationship. It's not for me. Me, it's way too complicated. Like feelings start to go. It just was like too much. It was way too much and I was trying to be a cool girl and be like, yeah, I can handle this. I it was too much. I don't know who the fuck I thought I was, but I was not that girl. I was not that girl. Like you know, when Beyonce, she ain't no diva, I was not. I was not that girl. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know.
Speaker 1:I'm just like those type of behaviors, like me being that, especially with, like the guys that I was getting myself involved with, that I was acting like I was okay with how our relationship was going. I was making it seem like I was okay with just hooking up, when I had these deep feelings for these guys and I was trying to be cool girl, like yeah, like we're just hooking up, like it's fine, like no, it was deeply hurting me. I was not understanding why, like I'm, like I see so many great qualities, I think, like me and you would be a perfect match, and it's like, why don't you see that? Why don't you see that like you and I could be something, or why is it only like you want to claim me when we're fucking and you don't want to claim me? You know what I mean? It's just like a whole bunch of shit that just like registers in your mind that you think about.
Speaker 1:And for me it's just like, and I'm like, wow, damn, when I was like looking this shit up because, like I look at like trends and dating trends and stuff like that, and I only talk about stuff that like, obviously I can relate to, I can talk about, or even, like you know, I want to talk about shit that's relatable, shit that is relatable to me, that hopefully can relate to other people, that's like stuff that I think that I would like to talk about in episodes on the pod. So, with saying that I was looking this up, and then when I saw this, I was like holy shit, like this is it's saying, like it was saying, like this is like such a gen z thing. But I'm like holy shit, no, like this was stuff that I had to do. I was that cool girl. Like I did that shit.
Speaker 1:Like like the more and more I'm like thinking about it, I was like wait, no, like I did that shit too, like, and it was rough and I heard, you know, I heard in the end it just like sucks. That's why it's like craving authenticity. Like is so big. That's why, like, like anybody that I'm talking to, like, even if it's in a hooking up perspective, I need, you need, to be emotionally available for me to like to see where we're at. Like I want to. You know, I'm trying to be in my soft girl era. I told y'all last time, I told y'all last episode I'm trying to be in my soft girl era. I'm trying to live my own Landria lifestyle.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm trying to look for my Nick, somebody that, like, lets me put my walls down, lets me open up, lets me just kind of like, you know, be that girl. You know, be that girl that I want to be and just feel like I have somebody that's like there to protect me and just there to just do it for me, just there to like I don't have to be strong all the time. They can be strong for me. I don't have to be this. You know what I mean. That's what I'm looking for and it's like that emotional, like the emotionally available people are that way so secure in who they are that they're just willing to just be like yes, I'm, I'm happy to talk to you about stuff. I'm happy to get raw and gritty about the real shit I'm. I want to get through stuff. I want to handle shit like an adult. I don't want to be a child. I don't want to ghost you, I don't want to like slight you, I don't want to like cuss you out. I want us to have an adult fucking conversation. You know that's what you're fucking looking for.
Speaker 1:I feel like everybody's looking for that shit, you know. You know, like I don't know, maybe that's like that's something that is so appealing I would say like I'm going to bring them up again like a Nick, like that's something that's appealing, like for Nick. He's somebody to me. He seems like he's very emotionally available right, especially in his relationship with Alandria, and I wouldn't say he started off as that. I feel like when he started off in the season of Love Island in the beginning, like he was like not my real cup of tea. That I feel like when he started off in the season of Love Island in the beginning, like he was like not my real cup of tea and I feel like he grew on me throughout the season and then like, especially like with Alandria, like Alandria gives me like black cat energy and he gives me golden retriever energy, and so I feel like that's also another like form of like emotional availability, like that golden retriever.
Speaker 1:Like emotional availability, like that golden retriever energy, right, that like loud, crushing, like I'm crushing on you loudly, like I am being open, I'm yearning for you, loudly, like that's the shit that like people are like looking for People are craving authenticity, Like I know that's what I'm craving. I'm craving an authentic connection, an authentic relationship. I'm craving that shit. So I feel like the whole like too cool shit like does nothing. Like if you're wanting to have a relationship and you want like something like, you want that type of relationship where you can be your soft girl, you know you can be in your soft girl era you can have that. You know you can let your guard down, you can kind of embrace in a relationship and have an adult, actual relationship like then being a too cool girl or living in that too cool culture is just not gonna get you there. Like, like being emotionally available is the only thing that's gonna like get you far like.
Speaker 1:I just don't like I'm looking for my golden retriever. I'm looking for someone to yearn for me. That's what I'm looking for and that's what everybody should be looking for. You want somebody to fucking yearn for you. Why wouldn't you, why wouldn't I want somebody that wants me that like shows that they want, like show me that you want me out loud. Like tell me that you want me out loud. You know what I mean. That's like something that I want to know. You know like I feel like once you get that vibe, like if I'm talking to you and like we're, you know I'm like okay, like I, like you, like we're talking, I need you to just show me that like yearn for my ass. Like I need to.
Speaker 1:People need to be like I'm sorry, like people need to be courted nowadays. Like court me, motherfucker. Like court me, like let's do this shit, make it seem, let me know that you fucking like me, like let me know that shit. Let me know that like I, you know like you're pushing to, like you're pushing to. You know, gain my gain, my trust. You're, you're pushing to like gain, like put my walls down to like get in. You know to like get into like that soft side of me and possibly like date me and be in a relationship with me and all that shit you know, and like being emotionally available. It's like sending a text when you want to be, not when it's strategic, not when you need to like plan to send this text Expressing general interest, instead of like like trying to like limit the attention that you're trying to give this person. You know what I mean Talking openly about what you actually want in this relationship, like your boundaries Boundaries are are important.
Speaker 1:Talk about your fucking feelings early on. I feel like people are so scared to talk about their feelings like talk about that shit early on. It's like you get a picture of where you guys are at. Are we on the same page? Like, are we moving the same way? Like not. Like you know what I mean. Like sometimes it's scary and like I'm saying all this shit right, it's really scary sometimes to put yourself out there honestly. It's very fucking scary because, like that fear of rejection, rejection is like real. You don't know this person's going to be receptive to what you're doing and stuff. But I only say, like this needs to be like emotionally available. It needs to be like consensual of what you're doing. Like the person needs. You need to be on the same page of like I'm not saying like be on some stalker shit.
Speaker 1:Be like yearn after somebody that you're actually interested in. You know that they're interested in you too. Like yearn that way, crush out loud, make it so that the person like knows, generally, knows like that you're interested. Like if both of you kind of get a feel of you're interested like try and pursue that, actively pursue it instead of just being like, oh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Like actively pursue, do what you gotta do. Like if the person says no, then it's just like then you can move on to the next thing. That's it.
Speaker 1:Like reframe your vulnerability as a strength. Being honest about your feelings like shows that you're confident. Like that's very attractive. Like being confident and being vulnerable, that's very freaking attractive. So like that should be something that that's very freaking attractive. So like that should be something that you should put in the back of your mind. You know, be consistent.
Speaker 1:If you like somebody like, let your action words match. If I, if you fucking like somebody, like, let that be known like let your actions match. Just like. If I like you, I'm not gonna be a dick to you. Like, if I like you, I'm gonna be nice to you. Like we're not in like middle school where you know the boys would act like an asshole to the girls that they genuinely like. Like we're not in that spot anymore. Like, get out of that motherfucking mind frame. Like that's not something that we need to keep doing.
Speaker 1:Test the waters. Even if you don't want to go like a big gesture, right, do something small, like you know, like on a date, be like I had such a great time with you when can I see you again? Feel it out. Test the waters, see if they're feeling you. First, even if you don't want to make that big lunge or make that big whatever, make that big plunge in there. Make small gestures, Feel it out, test the waters, feel, feel their temperature, see where they're at, and then you can kind of know where you're going to go from there.
Speaker 1:You know, like and if, like, if this person and you are like it's, I feel like you attract you fully, fully attract people that are like-minded as you. I feel like the like-minded people attract each other. So, like, if I'm, if we're on the same wavelength, like we're going to. I'm going to attract the same person that's on the same wavelength as me. Like I'm not gonna attract somebody that's I'm not gonna attract somebody that's unemotionally available. You know what I mean. Like I'm not, that's not who I'm trying to attract. Like I'm gonna attract the person that's emotionally available. Like we're gonna, you're gonna attract somebody that's on the same like wavelength as you. You know that's who like you want to attract and who, like is going to like gravitate towards you. Like you build that aura, they're going to gravitate towards that.
Speaker 1:Like the tension between like playing it too cool versus leaning into your emotional availability is like I feel like it's shaping how like dating is like moving in such a big way. Right, it's not just about the apps moving in such a big way, right, it's not just about the apps. It's about like retraining people to see like being open as attractive instead of being needy, pathetic and like being desperate. Like being open is attractive. Like being vulnerable is fucking attractive. Like we just need to stop. Like we need to stop reshaping it in that sense. Like it's just so. I don't know, it's crazy. I feel like vulnerability wins in situations Like I feel like being vulnerable is so rare.
Speaker 1:It's like such a like, a rare, like an uncut gem right, uncut gem and it just feels so you, you know, I don't know I feel like people crave like emotional access and it matters like being authentic, matters like we're craving that I'm craving access to emotionally, you know, and vulnerability like evolves from being weak to strong, like you're building on your emotional expression and you're signaling trust, being mature, being confident you know what I mean Just kind of like you're thriving in that, like it matters being emotionally available matters. You know like my vote matters like being emotionally available matters, like it goes a long way. I feel like using that now, like it's so hard to you know move forward and try and Use these tools, but like doing the smaller things, you know Baby steps I'm not telling you to fully go out there. If you can, great. If you can't, and you're like you know it takes you time like build yourself up into that moment, like do what you got to do.
Speaker 1:You know like build the intimacy over time with conscious, with cautious, like intent and presence, like and being very present in that. You know like being emotionally open, expressing it over being distance, being vulnerable. You know like being emotionally vulnerable. That's all I can really say like this too cool culture like needs to like kick rocks honestly with an open toe shoe because being too cool and just like not being as open and trying to like being perceived as like yeah, I don't care. Like go with the flow because you're trying to keep that person or lock that situation down, like you're never gonna have like a genuine, authentic like relationship with this person because you never were up front with how your feelings were in the first place.
Speaker 1:You know, and it's it's so hard because you, when you really like somebody you want to like you kind of like really like shape yourself into like the person that you think that they want them to be. And then it's like, if I'm losing myself so much in that like, is it worth it? Is something like that worth it to me honestly? So that's something like I want you guys to like sit with and like think about. You know this emotional versus too cool. You know emotional vulnerability versus like too cool culture. Like like look at those two situations and kind of like. You know emotional vulnerability versus like too cool culture. Like like look at those two situations and kind of like you know think of like where you where you are fitting in that Like, are you on the emotional available side, which is amazing, or are you on the too cool culture where that's kind of, where every like I feel like that's kind of like the newest trends and like the latest dating trend, like everybody's like pushing towards? Where are you, where are you at in that spectrum of of those two things? Let me know, I would love to hear from you guys and what you guys think and yeah, I'm gonna end that discussion right there. That was kind of abrupt. I'm sorry. I don't know why. I just did it like that, but I did want to talk about some things before I go. I I do want.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking about doing kind of like some bonus content where I'm watching the dating shows. I, you know, I was like trying to incorporate like some pop culture stuff. Maybe do some exclusive content for you guys. I'll start watching like a series. Like I re-watch Love Island, season seven or season six, whatever. Maybe season six it might be like it's something like not like kind of far off into distance and like a lot of shit has happened now so and I feel like it might be better, something like that, or 90 Day Fiancé, something along those lines.
Speaker 1:I was thinking about watching and like kind of throwing that in as some bonus content. It would definitely be video, would be kind of like me watching it and giving my feedback on what I think I would be editing it, like condensing editing, doing all that stuff. But that's something that you guys think I should be doing. I want to do extra bonus content. I want to utilize my patreon. I want to just utilize all the bonus shit that I do have and I want to like get those out.
Speaker 1:I am going to start releasing I need to start editing them, but releasing some of the interviews that I've had with some guests. I do have video footage. Most of them were recorded via video, so I do want to bring those back into life. I did say before I was going to do it, but life be lifin' and I did not get a chance to edit them and put them together. But I definitely want to do that sooner rather than later. Kind of push that as bonus content for you guys If you want to subscribe to my Patreon, all that good stuff. I do want to get that shit ready in the first place before I kind of start pushing that out. So I'm going to throw some polls If you do follow me on social media. If you don't, I'm going to be throwing some polls out there within the next week. This following week I'm going to be throwing a lot of polls out there. So please answer. I do really rely on your feedback on what you guys want to listen to and what you guys like enjoy. So all my social media stuff is in the show notes.
Speaker 1:I have been transcribing. If you did not see in last I would say two weeks ago's episode when I did transcribe, when I did transcribe sorry about that, I just got like distracted there is a transcription of the entire episode there also. Also, if you do look in the show notes, I think it should be showing my chapters. I'm going to start putting in the chapter so you guys can like if there's something that you kind of want to listen to more than the other, if you just want to hear my sex story, you don't want to kind of get into the delve of the conversation, like of the episode, you can just listen to the sex story. Or if you just you don't want to hear my sex story, you don't want to kind of get into the delve of the conversation, like of the episode, you can just listen to the sex story. Or if you just you don't want to listen to my sex story, you want to kind of get into the nitty gritty of the episode, you can do that too. I want to make this as enjoyable as I can. Give you those options and there is a transcription if you do want to read along as I'm talking. I do have that in the show notes.
Speaker 1:So take a gander, take a look and, like I said, go to my website, cheerjannpodcastcom. I have some merch there, all that good stuff. If you guys want to get some merch, I'm gonna be releasing some new merch, I would say within the next like week or so. I'm working on some designs, trying to see like kind of like redoing my whole merch. So if you like what the merch looks like right now, I would say within the next like few weeks it is going to be available. Other than that, I am going to be redoing everything. So, yeah, I'm excited for that, I'm excited to share that with you guys and I hope you guys have an amazing, amazing week. Um, I'm sending positive vibes to everybody. I love you guys and enjoy it. Um, and it's almost time for spooky season. Happy fall guys. Love you guys. Bye.